when people say, "you're smart, but in a different/unconventional way," it's 150% a backhanded compliment-- both an unnecessary comment and unwelcome gesture. though they may think they're reaffirming this idea that i'm good at "something", they're really just reminding me that what i'm good at is immeasurable, intangible, and ultimately, not worthy of legitimate recognition. they tell me i have a quality about me that's very unique. i laugh about it and shrug it off because all my life, i have been told that i'm "different." that what i have, who i am, is innately "special." this is frustrating, because neither they nor i am able to identify what this special quality is. this is, most of all, infuriating, because i have not been able to grab ahold of what sets me apart; something that i desperately want to cling onto and run with until it gets me somewhere further in life.
i don't think i particularly lack a significant element of being book smart, but i suppose my life track isn't comparable/commensurate with their where their studies have led them. granted, i am whole heartedly proud of them for their accomplishments and am happy for their success in their chosen paths.. but i always feel the need to one up them because of familial preconceptions that i am less than, never greater than, in what matters: academia and scholarly prestige.
it's defeating, being born into a group of die hard workaholics who never seem to waver on their decisions. i'm often asking myself, "how did they figure out how to grow up so seamlessly?" they seem to have undergone a gradual progression towards adulthood. no serious road bumps, nothing that warrants a need for sidewalk signage.
i, on the other hand, seem to run into concrete walls. i undergo changes that are abrupt, and maturation seems to allude a guaranteed percentage of a turnover rate; my serious and chronic case of discontinuity towards adulthood takes me longer to cross finish lines. often i feel like i'm killing myself trying to bound over developmental hurdles. per chance i'm meant to stay young (or, as i'll softly put it, "idealistic") forever.
i've recently admitted to myself that commitment is something i seriously struggle with; deciding what is best for me and following through with initial intentions is a feat that will easily trump me. there are many avenues that i want to explore, each one seeming brighter and more promising than the last. i haven't been able to take a step forward because of my general lack of confidence in myself and my abilities.
i don't think i've ever tried my absolute best at any one thing. firstly, because i'm not sure what exactly i want to invest myself in. secondly, because i am easily distracted and lose sight of my target because my vision for life is heavily nearsighted; i want what looks good directly in front of me without considering what looks better in the long run. thirdly, because i am impatient and become discouraged when i don't see results or reach milestones in a faster-than-timely manner. lastly, because i'm utterly afraid of failure; if i were to dive into something and be drawn into the luring waves of success, i would undoubtedly drown if i couldn't swim safely back to realistic shores-- that failure is a normal part of life, and we tend to learn the most from mistakes and setbacks.
2016 will be a big year for me. though i may not know what new ventures i want to embark, i know what negatives i want to turn positive. working on myself is something i will commit to, focus on, follow through with, and work on, over and over again, regardless of how many times i fall short because i am an investment that will never rob me of riches.
