i flirt with notions of stability and instability. inherently, i am a creature of habit. i want a home base, and i want to be planted on solid grounds... but being so constantly surrounded by unfamiliarity has generated this aura of optimism. the recent presentation of opportunities has forced me to take chances and be vulnerable to the risks that come with not knowing.
being young grants a certain amount of cushion room
to start over
to reset
these affairs of the mind result in an inability to commit
to my present time and my present being--
i'm somewhere between then and now
i'm neither here nor there
sometimes i feel like i'm faking competence
and i'm cheating myself of my youth
i feel this impending pressure to grow up
to fall wholly and immensely
in love with the idea of having my shit together
there's this strange want to grow into a becoming young lady
knowing full well that there is still a large part of me
that wants to struggle
that wants to be bent and broken
and wants to grow in whatever capacity life chooses fit
i often feel undermined because of my age
underestimated because of my lack of life experience
and misrepresented in the mind of others
because of this conscious aversion,
my mind, body, and soul refuse to show signs of struggling
this has resulted in my inability to be honest with others,
and more unfortunately, with myself.
a question that i've recently pondered, quite frequently, is this:
do people ever really have it "figured out"?
is there a set point-- in/tangible, that suggests the notching up in life?
regardless of age, accomplishments, or prestige,
individuals should always want to improve
and wanting to improve doesn't mean the current version of yourself
isn't good enough, capable enough, or worthy enough
it just means you know you're meant for more
and that's an attitude i hope to carry, always.
