in due time

how do you feel? do you feel ready?
i don't, but i don't think anyone feels ready for things they can't anticipate. 

true. well, what comes up for you when imagining what life might be like?

    i stared blankly at her.

    if i submitted to my default, i'd make up something on the spot: 

    scenario A with tangibles that lead up to the fact, 

    scenario B with different tangibles that paint a different picture.

    i could yap endlessly about superficial scenarios, 

    but that wouldn't take me to where i wanted to go.

    so instead, i chose to be honest and i led with such.

to be honest, i have no idea what life might be like. 

i don't think i've even tried to imagine what life might look like. 

why do you think that is?

mostly because i haven't tried to. i wouldn't know where to start.

i think part of me feels threatened by the reality of it all, so i don't want to face it until i have to. and the other part of me acknowledges that it's out of my control regardless, so i don't have it in me to prepare for the infinite possibilities of what might be. it feels like a futile effort. 

and as i'm talking about this out loud,

i'm happy that i don't know what's going to happen,

and relieved that i don't feel the need to figure it out now,

and proud of myself for kinda being okay with it all.

for a long time, i've felt trapped in a version of me that doesn't serve me:

rigid, imbalanced, and unyielding to the possibility that i might be something greater than i could even imagine.

i'm ready for a future where i'm not that anymore.
i'm excited for a life where i'm willing to submit to the process of it all. 

all in due time.

ah yes, all in due time :)