substitute

i've been having a lot of public spasms lately. i have convinced myself that anxiety is something that everyone encounters, and it's normal for people to feel uncomfortable in new places, around new people, or even just being alone. i feel like its constantly a battle between my body and mind. i push myself to ends wits, knowing that im testing my limits. i hear a mental countdown and i brace myself for the finale. everything goes numb and blurry. when i talk about it with people, i wonder if they think i'm being melodramatic. as if this is something i'm using as an excuse to get myself out of social situations. i try to look at it from their point of view, and i'm almost certain that with roles reversed, i'd be annoyed with myself. i've become that person who can't just go with the flow. who sort of runs away without cause. who constantly checks the time and fidgets. i feel like being a friend is a responsibility, a role i have to take on. despite the fact that my thoughts are with them constantly, i can't always be physically present when they're in need. i feel guilty that i can't reciprocate their kind gestures. i'm sorry i'm not always there. i promise i care.