i hate that i'm a passive type. if there's a problem, i put it off until i'm completely numb to it. i'm conscious of being taken advantage of, but i'd rather avoid confrontation. i know how heated i get when i have to face my feelings. i've lost a lot of friends because of misunderstandings and miscommunications. when people are angry, they speak out of their asses. they might not mean what they say, but they say it anyways. once something is said, it permanently taints. you can't take back what's been said. you can't re-correct or re-express intentions in a way that voids prior slip of tongues. there is an unretractable fate of spoken language.
i think that's why i've always loved written language so much. it's a safety net that filters communication. i can backspace, edit, and make sure that what i'm saying is said in a way that best represents the message and connotation i want to get across. i think a lot of this mentality has affected the way i interact with people in real life. i don't speak freely, i filter my thoughts pretty thoroughly to make sure nothing is contaminated with offense. when i fight with someone, i eventually ask to be excused. i try to cool off before proceeding to resolve the issue through text message. i hate speaking out of terms. i think talking to people requires serious discernment. no one understands your mind the way you do. they don't know exactly where you're coming from. they might not know exactly what you're trying to get across. they also don't know how your past has made you sensitive to a lot of irrational things. i guess the point of this rant is to remind myself that i need to be more honest with myself and others. emotions fuck up all logic, so i should probably start forgiving.
