can we talk?
are you okay?
the question didn't resonate with the usual tone of sincerity,
though i tried to convince myself that he was the same him.
i'm okay, just wanted to see if you had a moment.
yerp.
what fueled the serious act of desperation was hope, or more seriously, the fear of losing him without trying. we stood in a place, familiar; living feelings, on my end provoked by remembrances of seemingly yesterdays when we had a secret that was worth keeping to ourselves.
we knew from the start that neither was meant for sharing.
we wanted each other, all to ourselves.
past tenses, in this instance, inferred that the sentiments were no longer shared by both parties.
sentiments that refused to surface as admitted truths.
i couldn't look at him.
his eyes carried warm intent,
a comfort that almost had me forget the cold realities of previous harm.
being around him proved that i was still capable of loving,
and being in love, though all know i would prefer not to be,
in fear of love lost.
so, what did you want to talk about?
i think about you all the god damn time, it's driving me crazy.
all these hypotheticals run in my mind.
what if i had said something differently?
done something differently?
decided on something differently?
would you have reacted in a way that would have changed anything?
what if i had waited?
what if you had waited?
why didn't you fight for me?
why didn't you try to convince me i was wrong?
why didn't you want me to stay?
i did all those things and more. i might not have said it, but all that i did for you up to that point gave you all the affirmation you needed.
--
those words reverberated in my mind
and i tried to contaminate them in a way that would summon a less convincing train of thought..
but each echo proved more painful than the prior,
because all he said was very much in line with the truth.
as much as i wanted to manipulate my mind into believing that our love wasn't real,
i knew that it very much was.
--
i wish i hadn't spoken so soon.
i wish i hadn't cut ties before trying to untangle the mess i got the both of us in.
i'm still working my way out of that web, but i know i'll be okay.
i'm glad you're okay.
(thought in my mind, i wasn't).
i still feel bad though.
(i felt worse than bad).
i scraped up residual hurts that seemed to lay splattered and scattered in every crevice of my being. i presented it on a golden platter, as if it was something he wanted to be fed.
look, you can't keep calling me out like this. it's selfish, you need to let me heal.
you seem like you have your mind made up
was everything i did so terrible that it's irreversible?
i don't even remember what you said, or what you did,
all i remember is how you made me feel, and all of that remains unforgivable.
unretractable?
say something.
you're eating at my mind.
--
he shrugged and left me
a sudden absence that quickly turned from
a well-fed emotional void
to very real proof that he was no longer there for my keeping.
from that moment on,
he has continued to dissolve what's left my being.
again i am at a point where i can no longer could remember
what it's like to be present.
--
i've realized that i'm constantly living on memories;
memories that are half truths and half clouded fragments of
seriously disillusioned interpretations of what was, is, and could be.
i will continue to convince myself that whatever it is that i felt was the lesser of the evil.
it was a lie, so purposely constructed in my mind, that was placed in my life to play as a reminder that i'm capable of emotional consciousness.
to reach closure on the consensus that the love lost was real would leave me forever stranded in the dark comforts of my mind.
nooks that i've been comfortable residing in;
a place i've intended to make a permanent residency.
thought it might've been a momentary lapse of judgement that convinced me that any effort i put forth from that moment on would better a situation that was far beyond overlooking, better yet, fixing, i don't regret it.
i wanted a moment with you,
and i'll live on that until we love again.
