singles play salesmen
hard selling themselves
at times discounting values
over selling features
and instilling a sense of urgency
and exclusivity
in the purchase
you don't even know if you like the person
but you feel the need for them to like you
or at least act like they do
you present yourself in a way that you believe
is most desirable
most interesting
most successful
most sane
you hide everything else
for later days
that are likely not to come
everything is sped up
the process of getting to know someone
for the most part
is summarized in a sentence on a profile
or images that are meant to portray characteristics;
adventurous, fun, successful, social, creative
and it's usually the images,
the first "e-impression," so have you,
that catches the eye of the beholder
which leaves gaping holes for superficiality to fill
where admiration, curiosity, and sincere interest should be
there's also the context of time
that people must learn to properly gauge
you express interest too soon?
and you're deemed too desperate
too forward, too aggressive,
sometimes even stating so
to mock the accuracy of the assumption
you express interest too slowly?
you come off as uninterested or boring
and the other who was only slightly interested
has moved onto someone who is slightly more interested
slightly more forward
slightly more aggressive
... and right, probably slightly to significantly more desperate.
i thank the completely off girl:boy ratio in the city
for i have never made the first move
nor have i had to
god only knows,
even if i wanted to,
my ego wouldn't let me
and i'd shame the other for not knowing better
there's also the "easy access to opportunities" to consider
the convenience of finding company leads to this:
the inability to commit to just one
first of all, why is there such a large pool of willing others?
san francisco, in the general scheme of things, is a commuter city
people come to the city for work, travel, or other reasons
such as running away from problems,
hoping to be inspired by the culture and optimism that sf seems to promise
it's not a place that people choose to make home
but they end up leaving their hearts there
because clearly, san francisco, is the shit
there's a disconnect between wanting to stay,
being scared of staying for too long,
and wanting to move onto newer things
san francisco does this thing to you
or me
it stimulates
you
or
me
there's so much going on: food, culture, festivities
you're used to a lifestyle where you're always wanting more
it's not entitlement exactly
but you get used to this fast paced lifestyle
where you're able to satisfy cravings quickly
if you're lonely,
company can be found,
seemingly anywhere
granted, not good company,
but company nonetheless
you're bored/hungry,
and you can find something to do/eat,
at almost all hours of the night
and of course,
with all these things going on,
people want someone to touch base with at the end of the day
people want someone
to make the city feel like a home
people don't date to love
they date to live
they want someone for the now
but almost always, never for a lifetime
when that's the case
there's no attachment,
no responsibilities,
and no proper intent behind "dating"
which leads me to the second paradox that comes with dating in the city
you may be held
but you're not wanted
you may be chased
but you're not meant to be caught
you never know how seriously to take any of it
you can over inflate, under inflate,
the others' interest
but no one talks about it
because what's the point when
dating there is just for fun?
you can hardly get ahold of your own interest
the "not knowing" makes it all feel like a game
but playing dating tag is like running
an emotional, never ending marathon
and you get burnt out
it desensitizes people
to the intentions that should come with company
with being intimate, beyond the physical
like caring for real,
loving for real
what has happened to me,
is i've become completely disillusioned
and i don't even know what it's like
to trust someone
to feel for someone
to care about someone
the way i used to
because i'm so fucking guarded
all the time
i have to be on defense,
because i don't want anyone to score
my heart
you pervert
but also
figuratively speaking for literal terms
if not stitched with the right reason
ha.
in conclusion,
i will leave my heart in san francisco
not with a person
but with the place
san francisco
is a place that teaches me,
inspires me,
and motivates me to move forward
the way a lover should
