we finally hit a lull in the evening, a clear medium between past time go to home and still wanting more of each other. our eager conversation died. the crossfire exchange of information seemed to finally settle down and processing the inner workings of another caused a lag in both emotional and mental response.
i was close enough to feel. inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. the funny thing about physical nearness is the ability to allude one into believing that intimacy was present.
is there anything else you want to know about me?
i sat silently and ran through my usual list of elementary and slightly awkward questions. "what was your favorite show growing up? what kind of cereal do you like? what's your favorite movie?" questions that filled voids momentarily, taking time but translating no uniquity of character. i had intentions of wanting to know beyond trivial facts. "what do you think is best thing about being in love? worst thing about being in love?"questions that would elicit more than a moment to comprehend honest answers but i couldn't bear the thought of silence.
hmm. turn ons? turn offs?
turn ons: great smile, sense of humor, spontaneity. turn offs: rudeness, tardiness, princess complex.
his answers were typical and i'm sure he meant them, but those turn ons and turn offs were generic. they told me as much as i could have assumed about passerbyers.
what about you?
vulnerability is attractive
weakness is attractive?
vulnerable and weakness aren't synonymous terms-- definitely not interchangeable.
vulnerable, by definition, means open to injury.
perspective. you have to be open to feel. good feelings, bad feelings, in between feelings.
i feel just fine.
i think what i like about vulnerability, or the general ability to be completely open to saturating yourself in life, is the "not being afraid of hurting" part.
you want to hurt?
no, i'm not sadistic. but i feel like sometimes hurting is necessary.
that's definitely a bit sadistic.
okay, backtrack for a second. i would like to emphasize the "not being afraid." when you're vulnerable with yourself, you're susceptible to feelings people generally disregard. feelings like loneliness, failure, and hurt. when i admit to myself that i am any of those things, my body fights back. it's a natural response to try to heal.
hm.
the ticking of his dated clock reminded me that it was time to go home. i yawned, hoping he'd catch the cue.
i'm fucking scared of spiders.
that was random.
it was my attempt to be vulnerable.
well, lucky for you, i'm not afraid of spiders. i'm not afraid of anything.
not even vulnerability.
especially not vulnerability.
..
display yourself in all your shame and glory,
for shame is glory, and glory is shame.
