i hate being a human, mostly because humans have so many decisions to make on a day to day basis.. and i suck at making decisions. a simple statement, "i want pizza", is followed by: what toppings would you like? what size? deep dish? thin crust? stuffed crust? like damn, homie life, i just want pizza and i'm pretty sure i'd like whatever you gave me. minus anchovies, pineapples, or olives.. but only because i'm allergic to two outta three of those things. the other is just gross. really, who wants olives on anythings? more seriously, why would anyone put olives in martinis? who thought of that. i'd rather have a dill pickle in my alcoholic beverage because after my drink, i'd have a snack. or vice versa.
so as i was enjoying my way too late to be out stroll, i thought to myself, "if i weren't a human, what would i want to be? what would i be good at being?" at first, i considered being a dog. dogs are loved almost as much as children, and they're cute even when they're old. plus, i would gladly sit, roll over, or jump for a snack. but dogs smell, so i ruled that out.
then i considered being a cloud. clouds are never stagnant and they essentially get to explore the world. they're always on the go without ever having a place to go, so it's like, "hey no pressure, i'll just go where the wind takes me." but then, it's sad, being able to see all the good things in life but only being able to observe from a distance. it's even more devastating seeing all the bad things in life and never being able to do anything about it or help. so i crossed that off the list too.
i also thought, for a good few minutes, that i had a sure-fire answer: a turtle! i could walk, walk, walk, get tired, then just nap in the home conveniently provided on my back. i proceeded by narrowing it down to being an aquatic turtle, because a lot of them hibernate in the wintertime and hibernation is basically a long nap and naps are the best so it's like an extended period of time of having the best thing ever like going to a buffet and never getting full. longest run on sentence ever, but i don't care. clearly, those thoughts cannot be separated by punctuation. despite the excitement, i finally reached the conclusion that turtles could never give hugs or spoon.. and those things are like precursors and bonuses to naps. so that brought me back to the thought of being a human.
yeah, sometimes being a human is tough.. but things like hugging, snuggling, and hand holding are intimate and satisfying. it makes being a human worth the trouble. humans are lucky creatures, being able to experience intimacy at any point in their lives. it's sad that in this day and age, people assume that intimacy is just physicality. there's definitely more to it. feeling mentally, emotionally, and yes, sometimes physically inclined towards another human being is a sweet human perk.
it's a shame that i often find myself hiding from intimacy, because i'm scared of being vulnerable and transparent in front of others. i have this fear of putting myself out there, in all my shame and glory, only to be rejected or told i'm not good enough. i feel like everything i do or say comes with a "i'm weird" disclaimer, as if it shields me from judgement, but all it really does is prove to others that i judged myself first. i guess what i'm trying to get at is this: there's no standard of measurement for what normal is, so there is no point trying to display a subjective definition. i might as well be myself. my terrible at decision making self who doesn't sleep and instead, thinks of things like this.
large, stuffed crust, white sauce, chicken, mushrooms.
already making decisions for today.
nice. progress.
