before, i had a hatred for people. you know, things they did would bother me. the way they were irritated me. i could find something about pretty much anyone that made me cringe. but now, it's just apathy. no like, no dislike. just sort of a, "they're there" that i pay no mind to. i'd rather be alone, still, but it concerns me that i feel absolutely nothing. no worries of what they think of me. no concern over whether or not they ever meant anything to me. no traces of thought about consequences. at least before, i felt convicted to love strongly or hate strongly. now i just feel like a blob, a human with no humanistic traits and no sign of feelings.
maybe this is part of your growing up process. not feeling negatively towards people is improvement from prior tendencies, or bad habits even. before, did you intentionally look for things to find? to dislike?
i don't remember. probably though. it's just subconscious trails of thought. i could be eating lunch by myself, and i'll look over and be disgusted by the girl next to me, chewing loudly. or i could be in the elevator surrounded by people, and i'd think to myself, "oh god, it looks like he hasn't showered in days".. or "this girl is wearing way too much cheap perfume". to correct myself, i didn't hate them. the feelings and thoughts that are evoked don't linger. it's just momentary observations.
so you didn't hate them or feel hatred towards them. you just noticed things you didn't like about them, and it'd make you feel certain ways.
yeah. i'd feel annoyed or disgusted. i felt a lot of things that bothered me.
and now you're worried that you don't think these things about others that made you feel those ways? annoyed? disgusted? bothered?
now that you put it that way, i guess it's a good thing that i'm not constantly criticizing people. that does seem like improvement, or some sort of progress towards becoming a decent human being.
what do you think triggered those thoughts? you said they were subconscious, so they probably surfaced throughout the day without censor. you come across people on a day to day basis. having to find something you don't like about every one of them.. well, isn't it tiring?
i guess it could be, but it happens without me having to put too much effort into it. i can come up with things i don't like in a matter of seconds. plus, i don't go out much. i try not to be around people for too long.
why is it that you don't want to be around people for too long?
generally, i don't like being around people at all. looking at them, hearing them. having constant, unwarranted criticisms cloud my mind.
it sounds like negativity really weighs you down. regardless of how easy or natural it is for you to pinpoint flaws, you're allowing yourself to be bombarded with these thoughts. when you let these types of thoughts visit your mind, you'll never be able to see the good in others.
i don't care to see the good in people. i don't even care to see the bad in people. the bad just happens to always be more evident than the good.
you're a person. do you see the good in yourself?
i think our time is up. i'll think about it and get back to you though.
for the record, i think you're a good person. you might be conflicted and confused from time to time, but you have a good heart. take it easy.
i'll try, thanks. i think you're a good person too. see you tuesday.
i smiled as i walked away, but all i could think about was how poorly his tie matched his off white shirt, how he had a few bits of his beard that he missed when shaving, and how horribly unkept his leather shoes looked.
