it'd be wrong if i were trying to label myself for the sake of easy sorting and classifying from others.. but that's not why i so desperately want to be labeled. i want to be "something" or "some type of person" so that i have something to work towards becoming. i always hear, "just be yourself".. but i have no idea what the fuck that's supposed to do for me. i'm trying to figure out who "myself" is so i could "be" me. if i could somehow make an instruction manual for "christine dzou: steps to self-discovery", i'd be an A+ student. i've always been good at following directions. til then, my identity will wander in search of a home.
i'm glad that these thoughts are coming to me moderately early. when i see older friends, peers, and acquaintances going no where in their lives, i wonder if they go through the same sort of identity crisis.. after the excitement of graduating from college wears off, these post-grad students become numb and stuck in reality. they don't know what they're supposed to do next. they haven't found the directions that'll take them to where they want to go next in life. same goes for those who have recently gone through break ups. being someone's something is always nice, but once you're your own whatever again, you freak out. what are you supposed to do for yourself? how can you love yourself any more than he/she loved you? if he surprises you with chocolates, all of heaven's choirs sing hallelujah. but when you buy yourself chocolates on a whim, you feel guilty and fat. the fuck is up with this double standard i've set?
i will continuously surprise myself with chocolates until i no longer can button my pants. i will love myself for spoiling myself. i will thank myself for treating myself. i will enjoy myself for keeping myself company. am i getting out of hand here? "hi, i'm christine and i love myself".
i should probably look for a better closing line for my introduction.