i haven't been blogging much because i haven't been sad lately. i will admit, i love knowing that i feel the most alive when i'm depressed just as much as i hate it. other than temporary overdoses of miscalculated emotions, i never really feel too much. i believe this is the result of me having no more fucks to give. the only reason i ever really blogged was to remind myself of how much it hurt to get hurt. i feel like the hurt then was so unnecessary, but i chose to internalize and self-inflict pain in every way possible to fit the whole "good girl gone bad because of a broken heart" sort of persona that i am so clearly not nailing. i will forever more be a good girl who enjoys being in bed, black tea, and videos of baby animals.
i know it's a little late for new year's resolution, but fuck it. i'm gonna make a resolution anyways. i want to start making this year's entries less melodramatic and more, hm.. real. this means i will try to start documenting the good things happening in my life. once in awhile, i'll browse old posts for the sake of passing time.. and i find myself questioning why i've wasted so much time and effort keeping track of all the bad things that have happened to me-- more accurately, the "bad" things. l o l.
continuing forth with this plan, i want to spend more time this year venturing out into the unknown. i will not lie, 21 has not been kind to me thus far. i am starting to get back pain, i wake up with puffy eyes, and i can hardly touch my toes. now that i am older (*half-sarcastic*), i hope to utilize my youthful days and health to it's maximum potential. this means i better start climbing mountains, jumping into waterfalls, running with the bulls, and all that other shit.. cause i know for certain that these are probably the last few years that i have to "live it up", or whatever.
so let's see.. being in college is great. 10am-2pm school days, disneyland multiple times every month, and having my boyfriend walk me to class and carry my books? i'm not complaining. after graduation, i will have to start worrying about my graduate programs, and hopefully my doctorates degree. for the most part, i have considered school my safety net. educating myself makes me feel like i'm guaranteed more than i would have otherwise. in short, school makes me feel more prepared for the real world.
it's crazy realizing how much i've realized about myself and my personal aspirations this year. i wish i started taking life more seriously earlier on, because i feel like i was off track for the most part of my college career. i never thought of long term plans when it came to school, i just always sorta hoped that someone would fall in love with me, marry me, and provide for me. i secretly wish(ed) i could grow up to be a stay at home mom. the idea of raising kids, baking for my husband, and doing the laundry is my idea of a happy life. it's odd how comforting i find certain gender norms, whereas others, i will completely disregard. meh. i don't get me. anyways, i realize that at this day and age, everyone needs to work. not only because of financial burdens, but because working gives people a purpose. it comes with a good amount of anxiety and stress, just enough to make sure that people stay sharp and ambitious. as of right now, i'm not on that "good amount" level quite yet. i'm at that, "pull my hair out, cry secretly in the empty part of the library, then eat for comfort" stage. hopefully one day, i will be able to look back at all of this and smile.
until then, i hope there is more to life than just checking things off my to-do list, following directions, and living according to a schedule. i hope life is something that i face with enthusiasm, optimism, and forgiveness. lots and lots of forgiveness, because there are a bunch of morons in the world.
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