i've never been naturally inclined to being a religious, bible reading, gospel preaching kinda girl. i know this prototype christian cover isn't absolutely necessary to prove one's committment to a greater being, however, my dgaf attitude always seems to completely contradict the whole "following rules," "doing what's morally right", type of lifestyle-- and so consequently, i tend to stray from my faith. Yes, i do believe in God, and yes i know despite my doubt and skepticism, my heart is in the right place. However it is hard for me to stay steadfast, seeing how inconsistent i am with my predicament: I go to church, but i still feel unsatisfied. I read the bible, but i don't feel convicted. I pray, but my trustfund is empty.
Moving on to the point of today's blog..
i usually listen to 95.9 on my way to school, (hoping to find some inspiration to start off the day), and this morning, and the song, "amazing grace" came on. i sang along casually, seeing how i've been singing this song since i was little, but for once, something specific struck me in an odd way.
"i once was lost, but now am found.
was blind but now i see."
"I once was lost, but now am found".. so one must be lost to be found, right?
.. because right about now, i am feeling pretty friggin' lost. It's true, "the more you know, the less you know". The more i ponder over the concept of christianity, faith, and the trinity, the more confused I am. So was there a "Jesus" existent when God created heaven and Earth? If God is so almighty and holy, why does he yearn for our praise? Our human capabilites are so limited in comparison to his almightiness, so what would choruses of angels and eternal glory do for him?
"Was blind, but now i see." Definitely blinded, cause i'm not seeing the light.
My mom constantly reminds me to read the Bible, and out of habit, i do. But what do i get out of it? The stories in the Bible have been fed to me since before i could speak, so naturally, i WOULD believe them right? Moving onto simpler ideology, morality is different for different people, I.E. different cultures have different concepts as to what is right and wrong, and they are taught these values ever since they are born-- hence, their vulnerability to virtually accept whatever is "true". The same goes for religion, as most families have a distilled sense of belonging into a particular group since they are young, and even as they grow up, the committment they make into separate religious categories may just be a desire to feel "accepted." But really, what is "right"? Are the stories in the Bible even plausible? Not to call God's words blasphemy or comparable to long lost tales, greek mythology, too, has an invincible creator who is present, so it's God VS. Zeus, as well as the the existence of a leader of the underworlds, Satan VS. Hades. (I know this is a slippery slopes, realizing that Zeus is not perfect like our God. He has affairs with mortal women, and has a strong sexual appetite for men, but the idea that they are both completely in charge and in control of rule and order is the same.) So upon further speculation, the world is run in a systematic order, where there is a leader for the "good" and a leader for the "bad", and that the good are rewarded with an eternity in heaven, whereas the wicked are condemned to a life in hell. Despite the fact that the stories and reasonings behind who's in charge and how things work MAY be different, to me, the overall perception i'm getting from each of these belief systems is in the same ball park.
This may just be a bunch of random, nonsense.. however, I will keep looking for the answers to the many questions in my wandering mind, no matter how long it takes! I must find the truth!
CMDZOU
P.S. taking too many critical thinking classes this semester..
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