christine of 2013

my diet consists heavily of macaroons, black coffee, and granola bars. i'm selectively lactose intolerant, which means i can eat some forms of dairy, but not others. how that works, i'm not sure. if my body wasn't so damn picky, i would eat cheese all the time (which to my dismay, is one of the things that my stomach will absolutely punish me for). i'm always on my car, driving from work, to school, to my internship site. most often, i am listening to rap or hip hop. my taste in music tends to deviate, based on the weather. henceforth, when it rains, i sulk to feist's sweet symphony of cut throat lyrics. my perfect day would consist of me staying in bed, completely undone, watching netflix and eating my favorite pieces from a box of chocolate assortments. although i am very much a home-sy type of girl, i love finding new places to explore. whether i am by myself or with my significant other, i love to eat. eating is my portal to happiness, so when i'm hungry, i'm irresponsibly rash and violent. yes, violent. aggressive, both physically and verbally. to make matters even worse, i'm always hungry. i eat like a fucking man, but i have a woman's remorse, post- feast. i eat when i'm sad, then i get sad about eating. it's a never ending cycle of dysfunctional self-loathing. i like to doodle, more specifically, i am constantly drawing mini comic episodes of highly exaggerated scenes that make up my day to day life. my incredibly dramatic day to day life. my mind is made up of puzzle pieces that don't ever seem to fit just right. things never make sense to me, and it is in my second nature to guess everything and its existence. of all my senses, i rely most heavily on my sense of smell. i love things, people, or places that smell good. my room constantly glows from the flickering light of candles. my current favorite is capri blue's aloha orchid, which can be purchased from any anthropologie store. my keen sense of smell is also disadvantageous. if there were a profession for detecting burps, farts, etc., i would be in charge. curses. i sleep religiously with my stuffed animals. they take turns, because i believe they all need some love. i like to make friends with people i know i will never see again. how strange it is, to want to get to know someone, but only for a predetermined amount of time. up until i decide to leave, or end the conversation, i am completely in control as to how long that person will be in my life. i hate germs. i hate public bathrooms, door handles, or anything that comes into contact with other people regularly. i wash my hands more than anyone else i know. if i don't, i feel like i might contaminate myself with some inexplicable form of an incurable disease. the placebo effect is something that i suffer from regularly. i think therefore i am is my mantra-- which works both for and against me. i don't have many friends. i can count the number of people i can be myself completely around with one hand. i have a hard time getting along with groups of people, because i don't like to involve myself in their conversation. i don't think before i speak, so i usually regret what i say. if the world were made of a bunch of me's, it would probably be a big mess of bipolar extremities. i love to cry, but at the same time, i always have the urge to kick ass. of course i don't really, because i'm a bit of a passive aggressive type. one of the times i get unreasonably competitive is when i play board games. let me warn you, i am the worst person to play monopoly with. i will not let you sleep until i either win or lose, fair and square. i don't care if you want to call a truce, i will flip a bitch if you try to leave the table. do not disrespect the rules of the game! i will mortgage every property and sell every house until i am down to my last dollar. i feel like as an adult, i will not have friends unless i stay in the church. goodness forbid, they are the only ones willing to forgive my righteous, self-seeking soul. i hate school, i hate studying, and i hate doing homework, but i'm pretty good at it. fuck people who judge me, i'm that girl who is not too cool to run to class. i sit in the front of the class, ask questions, and am always involved. not solely for the sake of learning, but for the sake of getting by. the grading system is so heavily distorted by the teacher's perception of the student. grading is more objective than anything else. speaking of school related things, i am studying to one day become a principal. i made this decision after my internship opportunity, because i worked with a group of educators who were relieved at the thought of medicating the unruly children. blasphemous. it is my personal belief that children need love, not medication. i have approximately two years left in school, because i switched majors half way through my schooling. i used to be a communications advertising major, and i still feel like my best years of college were spent in that major. the people that surrounded me in those classes confirmed my belief that i belonged in that field. i ended up switching out because i wasn't sure what i could be with that sort of a major. yeah, i was a pussy and didn't follow my gut instinct, but plan B isn't looking so bad either. i wonder if that's what happens when people grow up. they leave behind bits and pieces of their dreams to formulate versions of themselves that would function better realistically. i hate growing up. it is absolutely the worst thing ever. people become so consumed by typical things like money, jobs, and appearances, as opposed to holding onto the things that can't be earned. things like imagination, creativity, and courage. this year, i have a learned many things about life, about love, and about everything in between. about life, i have learned that it is unfair to compare yourself to others. i used to always feel like life was a competition. i always had to better than someone at something. this sort of a mindset made me angry and bitter. i am realizing more and more now that the only person i need to be better than is the person i was yesterday. cliche? yeah, shaddup, it's true. as for love, i have learned that it is absolutely physically and mentally impossible to try to outsmart your heart. reason will not matter, and logic is impractical, when it comes to love. this means all those years of making pros and cons lists were a waste of effort. in the end, you have to fight for what you love. fuck everyone else and what they tell you. do what makes you happy. i have also learned in love, to appreciate what you have. don't focus on the negatives, but bring light to the positives. i am realizing this, because in retrospect, all i remember of my past love experiences are the good things. i don't remember the fights, the disagreements, or being treated poorly. rather, i remember the good things. the butterflies, the heartbeats, the nicknames. the cute shit. this means that in the end, the good outweighs the bad. enjoy what you have while you have it, because when you don't have it anymore, you'll regret not holding onto something that could've been worked out. as for everything in between, i have realized that life works like a formula. you take out what you put in, so don't expect everything if you have nothing to offer. work hard to become a person that someone else deserves. if shit goes down and life fails you, smoke a cigarette and chill the fuck out. you'll be okay in the end. promise.