the purpose of my overdriven life

as a result of frantically registering for classes, seriously pondering what i'm put on this earth to do, and the stress of having several 10+ page research papers due in the upcoming weeks, my bitch levels have been turned up a couple notches. don't mind me. that was your cue to leave.

as a child, i've always thought that being a grown up would be a privilege. i looked forward to the growing up process, which seemed to promise glorious perks like having a cell phone or choosing my own bedtime. now that i'm at the point in my life where i'm a semi-grown up, i realize that life is a bunch of fucking contradictions. i'm too young to be taken seriously in the world, but i'm old enough to realize that i can't just fuck around and live life without an agenda. not having plans means not having a future, so i'm here, half-contemplating whether or not i should join the sisterhood.

i always hear people talking about the wonders of being young. being young means being able to have fun and try new things, without having any serious commitments to a job or family. sounds spectacular, right? wrong. our youth is enslaved to a society that constantly threatens us with unemployment, failures, and disappointments. now whoever manages to balance school, work, internships, and a relatively lively social life is a god. no one has time to get their shit done, let alone, have enough energy to try to make small talk. being realistic, there are the several few who find it appropriate to deem yolo as their mantras. for those few, i seriously pity you. this generation has coined a term to justify their lack of judgement before doing something stupid. i don't know how i feel about that. 

so when i think about the fact that i'll only live once, it gives me a drive to press on. why? first and foremost, because i do not want to be categorized with the group of imbeciles who think having fun is enough. if you don't work hard now, you won't have anything later. you'll be busting your pork chops, making up for the lack of work you didn't put in earlier on in life. secondly, because i know if i don't get my shit done now, i won't have shit to get done later. being unproductive is an absolute nightmare for me. if my life turns out to be a routine of staying at home, eating cheese puffs, and watching reruns of everybody loves raymond, i will for definite sure, hate myself. my naturally aggressive behavior as well as my ambition doesn't mesh well with my anxiety and insecurities, but all i can do is sit, pray, and hope that one day, everything will pay off.. and i will be able to stay at home, eat cheese puffs, and watch reruns of everybody loves raymond because i want to, not because i have nothing better to do.