for you to look back and smile

there's the "good" me. the me that does devotions every morning, goes to church regularly, and prays constantly throughout the day for guidance and forgiveness. the me that loves working with children, enjoys helping others in need, and feels good about being good. the me that constantly needs to be moving, doing chores, or finding something relatively productive to do. the me that enjoys reading books, watching educational documentaries, and learning. the me that keeps in touch with friends, checks bases with family members, and works to keep relationships alive and functioning. this is the most forced and unsatisfying form of myself. 

then, there's the "happy" me. the me that escapes from any possible distraction or contact by turning off my phone and finding residency in little coffee shops filled with art and music. the me that makes my diary an extension of myself through doodles and mindless rants. the me that loves making to do lists, filled with completely mundane tasks just so i feel accomplished at the end of the day, checking off everything on that list even if it was of no essential importance. tasks like "get ready" or "eat lunch". the me that locks my bedroom door, pretends to be asleep for the whole day, but secretly lays in bed listening to betelmire under my sheets. this is the me that prioritizes my alone time above anything else. above anyone else. undoubtedly, this is my favorite form of myself.  

lastly, there's the "real" me. the me that doesn't actually want to do someone a favor when they ask, because i am fully aware that they use me beyond any acceptable measure. the me that doesn't give two fucks about what people think of me, my decisions, or my actions. the me that smirks at incompetent people who bitch about their mistakes because they are resistant to change. the me that cuts people out of my life without a second thought because i know not to give out second chances freely. the me that feels good about being better. the me that feels better about being best. the me that always wants something i can't have but goes for it anyways. the me that could be independent if i choose to be. the me that is independent, even if i choose not to be. this is the me that i am most.