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"All of us have moments in our childhood where we come alive for the first time. And we go back to those moments and think, this is when I became myself." Rita Dove

Lately I've been really reminiscent of my childhood. I don't necessarily miss any momentous occasion in particular, I just sort of miss who I used to be. It sounds so ironic, being jealous of who you were years and years ago, (actually not even that many years ago).. but if I were able to touch bases with who I was back then, I feel like I would be a much happier person.

I miss being confident. I remember actually being proud of being "Christine Dzou", of being weird, and of being creative with absolutely everything. I remember not caring what people thought of me, not caring what they said about me, and having the time of my life just being me. I loved my roller backpack and I loved my heelys. I am so sad I gave those up.

I miss having friends. Before boyfriends ever came into the equation, I had the greatest friends and the best memories. I gave them all up for things that aren't even in my life anymore, and that's something I'm never going to be able to get back. I miss hanging out with different people, I miss having relationships that aren't based off of gossip, and I miss having people in my life who genuinely care about me. If I were able to replace the relationships I have chosen to have in my life, I would choose keeping my friends over having a boyfriend in less than a blink of an eye.

I miss loving myself. I wish I had it in my heart to be able to be content with myself-- with how I look, how much I weigh, what I wear, who I hangout with, or what I choose to spend my Saturday nights doing. I feel like I'm never going to be happy with myself anymore because I've lost sight of my worth. I don't know my value anymore because I've put all my value in being half of a whole, so when I'm not part of a whole, I'm not complete. I miss being my own person. I miss being able to love myself, wanting to take care of myself, and being optimistic about people around me.

I suppose this blog is really an eye opener for me. Christine, it's never too late to make the right changes in your life. It's never too late to make new friends that will stay in your life. And it is never, ever too late, to love yourself. I suppose I have a bit of rediscovering to do, and this, I have to do alone.

Here's to childhood,
but not youth

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