searching

though the year isn't over yet, i catch myself reflecting on the last 5 months and the number of transitions that i've mentally anticipated but wasn't emotionally prepared for. i left a city that encouraged my coming-of-age, only to return to a city that forced me to catch up with parts of myself that i thought i had outgrown. 

by moving home, i took on roles i neglected for more than half a decade: i became a daughter again, a sister, a friend. i accepted new roles as aunt, and wife. (yeah, i got married. nuts.) even more challenging than the logistics of planning a wedding during covid was straightening out some tangles that reflected my inability to accept a love that i sometimes feel i don't deserve. 

i got a new job and am in the process of finding my place on the team, behind a screen and in the dis/comfort of my bedroom corner.  my husband and i settled into a new apartment, purchased another property and repeated the process of making a place that won't be home home, feel like home. 

all of these changes have made me hyper aware of my identity and its changing form. i find that i'm having a hard time closing my old chapter, which feels like both a near and distant memory. i'm impatient in figuring out how to accept this new lifestyle—one that encourages balance and personal growth. for so long, dysfunction was my norm so in stillness, i crave chaos. 

in revisiting the last three chapters of my life, i feel as though i'm reading a highly disjointed trilogy—each part of the series progressively more chaotic, as the character development unravels. there's pre-sf christine (lost), sf christine (stuck), and post-sf christine (searching). though optimism has worn thin, i've learned to flex better judgement, making the version of me now the most capable of being a protagonist worth cheering for. 

maybe the discomfort i feel is growth, disguised as sheep in wolves' clothing (which is less bad than the inverse, though i'd prefer not to be in disguise at all). i want to make peace with who i am, now. i want to be christine in christine's clothing.

much of the frustration i experience comes from trying to find closure with parts of my past that don't serve me, and much of the anxiety that i feel comes from trying to figure out who i want to be and what i need to do to get there. 

my frequent feeling of being an inauthentic version of myself might stem from a lack of understanding who my authentic self is, which forces me to feel like i have to constantly adapt. whether it's adapting to stand out or fit in, i find that in most scenarios with others, i second guess how i carry myself and whether or not those portrayals represent my intention. 

even in the most insignificant exchanges—small talk while waiting in line, stolen glances with strangers—there's a moment of panic after, where i catch myself wondering if i did right by myself. fortunately, the hesitation is brief. unfortunately, the emotion that quickly follows and is felt at twofolds, is annoyance. annoyed because i know how futile these thoughts are, and annoyed that i haven't yet broken the pattern of cyclical thinking though it's been identified. 

side note: i wonder if it's a common phenomenon for people to get mad at themselves for thinking thoughts or feeling feelings, if it's perceived as unproductive. 

one of my greatest fears in life is not being able to understand myself enough to find true joy or purpose behind my living. i used to tell myself that this lack of understanding was a result of not having lived enough life, or not having gone through the necessary experiences to fill this void with reason, answers, or something of that sort. i believed that growing up, as measured by the number of years lived, would help me reach a point of clarity and peace, and that all i needed to do was be patient and "trust the process." 

but that's the thing. i'm not sure i'll really ever grow up. people talk about their formative years, and how those experiences shape them. but if i'm being honest with myself, i think my entire life is an extension of my formative years; in both good and bad ways, i'm influenced by my outside world. 

if i take a step back, maybe it's simpler than i make it out to be. all i need to do is to make sure that i continue to surround myself with experiences that i believe will challenge me to learn (or unlearn), and teach me to be brave. i also need to surround myself with people who hold similar values so that i'm held accountable to standards that matter to me, and i'm being stimulated in ways that bring me closer to understanding what i desire in life. 

after all, if a flower withers, you don't fix the flower. you fix the pot, the soil, and the environment in which it lives.

side note: isn't it crazy that your thoughts are yours, and yours alone? and even if you do your best to express it, there's a likely chance that it won't be interpreted in the exact way you want?