never underestimate wrongdoings, never overestimate good deeds.
i thought this to myself after blaming karma for an unfortunate turn of events this evening. it wasn't unexpected, but it was unsettling nonetheless.
i haven't written in awhile, largely because i haven't wanted to be honest with myself. it's hard figuring out how to start an overdue conversation with anyone, even more so, when it's with your lonesome. it's like catching up with an old friend that you know nothing about presently. it's a strange dynamic, being both familiar and unfamiliar with them; having knowledge of their backstory, but nothing that bridges the gap between then and now.
you're not sure what parts of your life are important to bring up, and you're scared to ask them questions that may seem arbitrary-- questions like "how are you?", inferring small talk but carrying the intent of sincere concern and interest. you're also scared to ask ambiguous questions because that can lead you down some serious rabbit holes. there's the possibility that they now suck as a human being and they don't amount to what you remember them being. there's nothing worse than losing sight of the good you once saw in someone you loved.
i'd like to say that's one of the main reasons i don't keep in touch with many of my friends. i like to remember the good parts about them and leave the rest to my imagination. isn't it true that the more you get to know someone, the more you'll find to dislike about them? it's a pretty sadistic mentality, intentionally sectioning yourself off from others because of presumed nuisances. ah, admitting things to already. this is a good start.
--
preface::
how are you?
always good, never great.
you used to say that a lot.
i did. it still reigns true.
always good is good, though why not great?
i feel like that statement comes across unfairly... like i'm not doing well, though that's not necessarily the case.
state your case.
i believe "great" is nirvana. no one reaches nirvana, not this early on in life at least. every rational human being is working towards the idea of happiness, fulfillment, consciousness, whatever. once they reach that, then what?
then you live in a constantly happy, fulfilled, conscious, whatever, state of being?
no. then you stop trying. you'll hit a downward slope. we aren't born to be fully satisfied, ever. being content, in my experience, results in the lack of fear. fear drives me.
drives you where?
drives me nuts, probably, but also forward.
fear assumes that there's something bad waiting to happen. why not think of life as a series of "if i do this, great things will happen," as opposed to, "if i don't do this, terrible things will happen."
i'm not against that way of thinking-- from now on, just "always good."
great.
script::
how are you?
i'm alright.
what happened to "always good"?
it's unrealistically optimistic. things aren't always good.
i'm glad you're admitting that to yourself again. what're you struggling with now?
there's always something i'm struggling with, though usually, i'm okay with getting by. i haven't really wanted to cope recently though. i want to be left with no choice but to seek recovery.
why not choose that healing process before hitting rock bottom?
i don't know where to start.
i have the sense you know exactly where to start.
yeah, but it sucks having to backtrack to the starting line.
not if you're given the option to finish another race... one that's worth completing.
i keep telling myself to move forward, to continue with the progress that's been made. that reaching the finish line will be worth it, though i can't see it now.
how sure are you that a finish line exists?
not sure, but the idea of it keeps me going.
can you still see the starting line?
yes.
turn around. make that crossing your victory.
epilogue::
how are you?
better than i was before.
are you ready to make changes?
not yet.
but you will be?
it'll take some convincing and preparation, but i'll get there.
remember: "if i do this, great things will happen."
convincing. always good, soon-to-be great!
always good, better than i was before.
you're wildly optimistic.
that's why you keep me around.
--
there's nothing better than being reminded of why you love someone.
false.
there's nothing better than being reminded of why you love yourself.