on happiness...
happiness isn't something that should be sought after because it isn't something that can be found. after all, how do you "find" something that isn't missing or lost? i whole heartedly believe that happiness is within every being, regardless of their circumstances or where they're at in life. a wealthy man might be happy because of his financial abundance, but a poor many might be happy because he isn't as burdened with taxes as hefty. happiness is a state of being that comes with having a healthy perspective. look at the world through the right lenses, and all that you wish to have will be yours. happiness and all.
on love, or something of that sort...
i used to associate love with strictly romantic sentiments. attachments, cravings, addictions even, to a person capable of reciprocating similar emotions. what you learn when you're older, (and what you didn't know when you were younger), is that love and the intensity of such a notion, varies greatly for the lover and the loved. it lies on a spectrum, ranging from sickness to nirvana. it's an intoxicating experience and you're either on the ride of your life or living through emotional and mental hell. the plot twist? i am the lover and the world is my beloved. i await eagerly to be held, enjoyed and indulged by environments, experiences, and on occasion, a mortal companion. singularity.
on loneliness...
growing up, my biggest fear was abandonment. having someone mean so much to me (with or without good reason), but being utterly disposable to them. there are resonating echoes that reign in my mind after being forgotten about. is there nothing substantial about what i have to offer? is my companionship a temporary fix until whatever void they have is filled? being lonely is surely more sad than being alone. how i've come to terms with my die hard habit of being a seasonal presence is this- choose to be alone. choose to be empowered through the experience of loneliness. rather than worrying about leaving an impression on others, submerge yourself in all that you do and let it make an impression on you. you have much to learn from the world, not vice versa.
on balance...
all people are made of two battling personas- the dreamer and the realist. they say as you grow older, the dreamer spirit dwindles and the realist claims victory. we're overcome with the realities and costs of living.. not monetarily, in essence, just the overarching burdens that come with scraping by in society. the dreamer says "do" and reminds of you the possibilities you pondered as a child. "i want to be famous, i want to be successful, i want to be happy." the realist says "don't", warning you of risks and the many chances of failure. is it possible to grow up without growing out of that naive, childlike wonderment? dreamer, "yes." realist, "fuck off."
on comfort...
i've heard that growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. that progress begins when you push yourself beyond previously traveled grounds. here i am, in an office, full of strangers, on a street i've never been on before, doing a job that i'm still figuring out.. and all i'm doing is nodding in agreement with my initially stated generalizations. i may not know what i'm doing and i may not know why i'm here, but i know i'm certainly happier not knowing than always knowing. that's the thing about comfort. it straps you in and makes you feel secure but gives you little room to roam. never settle with playing it safe. you won't get anywhere in life if you stay in your robe with eyes glued to the same reruns of the office. explore the danger zone. the world's only unsafe if you make it out to be.
on people and forgiving people...
it's a dog eat dog world. luckily, the world is inhabited by humans not canine. it's hard to believe in the goodness of others, but it's even more difficult living with bitterness and resentment in your heart. no matter how many times you've been wronged, forgive and forgive. forgetting is not so much an option, because with every crime committed, the victim is a little bruised, battered, or scarred. forgiveness is choosing to recognize the presence of blemished surfaces, yet acknowledging that underneath the proof of wrong doings, are cells, membranes, other living dimensions, working to replenish and heal. forgiveness should come as naturally as the body chooses to fix itself.
on forgiving myself...
and i shall forgive my debts as i've forgiven my debtors! is it blasphemous to use the bible as a reference point for justifying my sins? i find it easier to forgive others, because i'm able to apply the catch all phrase, "they didn't know better." but me? i generally know better, yet i don't take heed of the directions provided by my moral compass. i do as i feel, and i often feel freely. maybe my problem isn't forgiveness, i just need to learn to let loose and live a little. some things don't require an apology if the only person you're hurting is yourself. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little sadistic. i'd rather hurt heavily than ache to feel.