going to family parties tend to suck for me. being part of a family of go getters and extremely ambitious, over achievers usually leaves me feeling subpar. it's great that they're doing well, i'm all for recognizing work worth admiring.. but at the same time, i feel like talking about accomplishments make for shallow small talk. everyone seems to worry about what to do next in their lives in terms of school or careers, and i'm here honestly worrying mostly about what type of person i want to become. why don't we talk about things like that? ask questions like, "how are you? are you happy?" it's ironic how the simplest questions can summon the most profound thoughts. i always tell myself that it's important having an identity, and how i shouldn't let the typical worries of the being an emerging adult in the world consume me. half the time, i believe i'm working on improving myself, but the other half of the time, i feel like it's an excuse for not wanting to be more realistic about life.
i'm not saying i don't have my head on straight. by all means, i wanted to tell them that i'm ambitious too. i might not be at an ivy league, and i might not be networking with people in wall street, but i'm doing other things that are equally as productive, challenging, and worth mentioning. i've never thought being academically successful was something worth bragging about. anyone can get good grades if they try hard enough, but not everyone can add to the marketplace of ideas. not everyone can be something really special, beyond the dimensions of school or work. what's important to them is mundane to me, and what's important to me seems basic to them. i'm wired differently.
it's not so much that i want to be necessarily different or i want to stand out from other people. i just don't want to conform to what's expected of me. not just unsaid expectations of family and friends, more the pressures of the world at large. i hate that people work to live.. society has convinced us that we need to have certain things like prestige, status, and security in order to live fruitful lives. but at the end of the day, if you don't know what makes you happy, what satisfies you, and what feeds your soul, you'll be left feeling unsatisfied. leading an unsatisfactory life is not worth living. i shouldn't waste a lifetime making do to get by.
my mom always tells me to love what i do, not do what i love. although that is a good mentality to have because it promotes optimism and open mindedness, i feel like if i were to love what i did regardless of substance, i would never grow as a person. i would stay in a standstill, and i would in no way improve myself or reach inner nirvana. oh god, christine, it must be getting late if you're bringing up nirvana. goal of life: reach enlightenment and do what i love because i love doing it.
