who: christine
what: is celebrating
when: july fourth
where: in a cabin, 4.500+ ft about elevation with her family
why: because she's finally done wtih summer school
the past five weeks of summer school have made this summer the most productive summer of my life. (vacation bible school, tutoring, and odd jobs have also contributed to this period of busyness.) this is the first time i've ever read a book from cover to cover. literally. my knuckles are callused from nervous writing and my fingerprints have permanently imprinted my keyboard. now that this instructional period is over, i am happy to say that i am proud of myself. even though my parents tend to brush aside my accomplishments to make room for my siblings on their pedestal, i am giving myself an honorary "hardest worker" award.
let's get one thing clear. i've never been the smart girl who "gets it". school has never been my forte mainly because i cannot sit still. i become unnaturally nervous after hearing repetitive choruses of synchronized taps, clicks, and scrolls.. it's a bittersweet symphony composed of productivity and insanity. lucky for me, Silence is my greatest fear of all. i have pressed on for five weeks to avoid meeting with this unwelcome presence. Silence is compensated with unwanted noise in my mind. noise that becomes destructive because of its ability to breed sick afterthoughts. when i'm on the brink of losing it, the early birds remind me that it's time to rest. when i hear their call, my body gives out.
it's just sleep deprivation that made me grow mad.
continuing forth with the explanation of my efforts, getting good grades has never been easy for me. those bloody genius asians make the rest of us "normal" asian kids look bad. before recently, i never gave a fuck about school. i was not about conforming to the expectations of my parents, or society even. i used the "i'm street smart, not book smart" excuse to justify missing homework assignments, ditching class, and failing grades. yep, believe it or not, at some point in time i was failing. i was sure i could find a way to succeed without having to give up the things i loved most. i comforted myself constantly, believing that if i wanted to try, i'd get good grades too. turns out, trying isn't enough. you can't try to do all your homework, try to go to class, or just try to pass class. you need to do. you can't be okay with just trying, because when you try, you give yourself room to fail. you don't feel bad when you don't succeed, because you figure, "hey, at least i tried my best". that "i tried" mentality is what has caused me to fail so many personal pursuits.
i've never had a need to try. i thought anything that required hard work and sacrifice wasn't worth it. i've always been okay with getting things my way by using alternative, often manipulative, ways to reaching a mean. i knew i'd always get what i wanted, not by myself, but by using others. beyond school and academia, my sense of self-worth and accomplishment were fueled by shallow sources of admiration, praise, and attention. sources that ran dry quickly and left me to scavenge for other open opportunities. this tactic worked for awhile, until all that was around had been sucked dry. there was nothing, no one, left that could quench my never ending thirst for entitlement. admittedly, i'm a dependent organism that is rendered lifeless without the presence of another.
i am at fault for the way my life has turned out. i'm the one who has so carefully selected people to be in my life to satisfy certain needs. i'm the one who has easily eliminated people after realizing that they have nothing left to contribute to my hungry ego. i'm the one who's made bad decisions. no, it's not because of those who have hurt me, left me, or lied to me. it's easier to blame others for unfortunate outcomes, but those people will not be around for you to pin your failures on them. they will move on to bigger and better things. they are not thinking about what they intentionally/accidentally did to you. you are the only one keeping these memories and emotions alive by holding onto them. foolishly.
this summer, i''ve done better for myself than i ever have in my life.
p.s. this is a bit of an incoherent post, because i have been adding and subtracting to it for a week now. summer means sherlock marathons, overeating, and naps. i guess you could say i've been busy.
