i'm putting a bandaid over an old scar, but that's some sort of comfort to me. past hurts might not heal completely, but if i leave a bandaid on it for long enough, there's a chance that i might forget what's under it. at least i'm trying to cover it, i'm trying to look past the cuts and bruises. at best, it'll do. it'll become a permanent part of me. a new, covered part of me.
don't forget about what's under it. that's disguising it. it won't fix anything. you're picking at the wounds because you want something to resurface. time has passed and perspectives have changed. you can't expect a clean canvas where there once were strokes. you've defied your logic, reasoned with your heart, and acted according to your conscience.
the least you could do is be respectful of his terrain. there are two sides to this story, don't think on behalf of just one. don't clean up your mess at the cost of adding splatter to his account. be aware of the unwarranted consequences of your thoughts, words, and actions.
you didn't speak up for the sake of his approval. that might've been what you wanted, but that shouldn't have been the goal. you wanted to do this for yourself. anything you do is a product of yourself, there's no right or wrong. since you said what you needed to say, did what you needed to do, leave it at that. what you said was real on your behalf. he'll take it as he will, in whatever way speaks to him. there's nothing you can do to rewire his mind into understanding the full capacity of your intentions. it's time for you to leave behind the blame, guilt, and baggage. you need to move on. move at your own pace, so long as you're moving forward.
bitter, knowing i'm too far behind to catch up with residual emotions.
sweet, confirmation that though it seemed unlikely, it was very much real.
