m m m a d n e s s

i've had a lot of down time the past few days. it started with four consecutive days of making an effort to "do something" followed by three days of, "leave me alone, please don't talk to me ever again." i get tired of interactions, nervous from exploring too far from my cave, and sick of small talk.. i get worn out from being social with friends, acquaintances, or whatever other label is applicable to people who are there but don't really give a fuck. the idea of being a misanthropist is half-comforting and half-threatening. i love being alone, which means i don't get lonely anymore.. but all the while, i realize that my life is slowly dwindling into a growing orb of self-absorption, over thinking, and nostalgia. my mind is run by a monster, who has turned any speck of thought into madness. i've forgotten what it's like to be in charge of my feelings, thoughts, and actions. i want help, but i don't want to get better.. actually, i want to get better, but i don't need help. same difference. i miss my grandpa. rip.