vivid as night and day

today, a student i work with was throwing a tantrum so i pulled him aside to speak with him. as we talked, i realized that our tainted perspectives of the world are seen with completely different dimensions of understanding.

i asked him what was wrong, and he explained how he doesn't have a heart anymore because the world is cruel and unfair. some 5th graders took his jelly ball and kicked it to the outer fields because they didn't want to play with him. i admit, when he said that, i smiled on the inside. i thought, "he's seven. he doesn't even know what the world's got coming for him." the most of his worries revolved around foul play during recess. adorable.

when i left the work site and started driving, i began to ponder my earlier stages of life, where i thought similarly minuscule issues led to the bane of my existence. times where i legitimately wanted to die because i thought i couldn't live without a certain someone. times where i didn't care about taking care of myself because all i could think about was how badly i wanted someone else, anyone else, to take care of me. times where i hated being alone, because i thought it meant i would be forgotten for good.

my 15 through 18 years of life consisted of nothing but negativity. i was an orb that sucked the life out of anything remotely promising in my life.
i was selfish and close-minded, not realizing that i was imposing my problems on the majority of the people in my life. i started acting out, building walls to protect myself from getting my hypothetical jelly ball kicked into the outer field. i wanted so badly to be accepted, and so desperately felt that i needed that reassurance. i didn't care who i was getting it from or how i was getting it. i lived, i learned, and i'm done.

i'm not saying i've reached catharsis, but i've definitely reached ends wits. i'm tired of dealing with incompetent assholes who think they have the right to hold me down. i'm over being vulnerable, allowing myself to be stuck in a shitty situations. lastly, i'm happy that i can and will be alone.