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Lately, I've been feeling.. peculiar.

It took me ages to think of a word that adequately described my current state of mind, and so I triumphed over the diagnoses of peculiar. "Peculiar" in itself, is a word that makes me feel very uncomfortable. Peculiar can come with positive connotations, and peculiar can come with negative connotations. I haven't decided which side of the charges I am surged with, however, here's where I come to explaining why I have been the way I am now.

Lately, I've been feeling.. unfamiliar.

Somewhere amidst the happiness and optimism, I have lost my best and worst trait(s). I am no longer conscious, and no longer responsive. I am no longer able to recognize happiness as something that I deserve. I no longer feel the necessity to be happy. In fact, I have come to realize that I cannot "feel", (physically or mentally) happiness anymore. This is a bold statement, but I wouldn't say it unless I were absolutely certain. I'm constantly longing to be unhappy because it is only then that I am able to feel something, feel anything. Whether it is self- constructive criticism or self- loathing, I can't find myself anymore. I have lost sight of who I am, and what makes me who I am. This surely, cannot be healthy.

Happiness has always been ideal, but it has never been essential to me. For as long as I could remember, I have always wanted to be just "in love". Every birthday wish, every shooting star, every lady bug, and every "Quick! Hold your breath under the tunnel!", I'd wish for someone to love me and for me to love them back. And, I have learned the hard way, trial after trial, that it is very possible to be very, very much in love with someone, but not be happy with them. Sounds ironic and potentially hypocritical, but as Feist states, you lose your mind for the sake of your heart. I guess what I am trying to say is that before you decide to fall in love, whether it is with the same person over and over again, or with someone brand new.. make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. Strap yourself in for the ride of your life. After all, it is only the brave that decide to fall in love.