BABA "KANUSH"

The existence of a human being comes with prerequisites of being perpetually curious and naturally emotional, or so I believe. With this being said, I am a prototype human being. I am curious, more curious than I wish to be-- and with this comes my downfall. My self proclaimed emotional, psychological, and physical downfall. This is where my inadequacies become a reality, where my self doubts become a never ending nightmare, and my incompetence continuously reminds of me how fucking weak I am.

Being hurt personally triggered a curiosity about how such beliefs are formed.
Philip Zimbardo

There are many things I have learned through personal experience and time: things inflicted by incidents that were not of any value. Often times, someone can get so mesmerized in how happy they are in the beginning, that they do not realize how miserable and torn up they are trying to chase down the idea of redeeming that happiness again. This leads to these next few points, my little reminders to self.

REALIZATION #1: Absolute happiness cannot be sought after without first facing your personal complications. If you are not happy, you will continue to be locked in a chamber of you wallowing defeat if you do not figure out what is making you NOT happy. There is no point in being afraid of yourself, and what you are capable of. This is one of those things that are "easier said than done". It's refreshing realizing that you can make your own choices and how your choices can lead you to becoming exactly what you want to be, and that is happy.

REALIZATION #2: Do not fight your feelings. Feelings come with both negative and positive connotations, and despite how frightening facing your feelings may seem, the deed must be done. When you feel something, it does not matter what you hear. It doesn't matter what they say, what they want you to think, or how they want you to feel. What is important is that you chase down your feelings until you are satisfied with making yourself content. If you are not happy, you cannot make anyone else happy. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else.

REALIZATION #3: Love is not at all what it seems. Love is not about simply sunshine, happiness, and that fuzzy feeling inside. Love is about sticking with each other even if it is more thin than thick, or more sickness than health. Love is about realizing that despite how difficult and unbearable someone can be, it is completely worth it to give a little bit of yourself to the one that you love. Love is about compromise, sacrifices, and being okay with it.

Sidenote: With this being said, thank you. Thank you for caring about me the way I know no one else in the world can. Thank you for being my full time lover and my full time friend. Thank you for seeing the good in me even when I cannot see it in myself. Thank you for picking me up when I fall, and even when I purposely do not want to get up. Thank you for loving me more than anyone else has ever loved me. Please don't hurt me.