Shouting Whispers

1 thing I want to say to 1 person
The last thing I will say to this 1 person. Ever.

Excuse this over dramatic goodbye letter. If I could, I would've written it in cursive to make it seemingly more appropriate. -chuckles-

Here I will conclude a chapter in my life that I had been holding onto, lingering around, simply because I did not understand. And here, I will say a sincere, no grudges held, no strings attached goodbye: for the first, and last time. Here goes my hearts final desires for you. Here goes the last thoughts of you consuming the ephemeral vacancy in which you held in infinite mind. Here goes nothing.

I heard a quote a few days ago which I felt only pertain-"able", to our current situation. The same situation that we had been trapped in for the past.. 4 years of our lives. Together.

"I acted in love, and so I thought I was in love."
Was it really this simple? It can't be. (scoffs) After contemplating for an everlasting 5 minutes, I realized. This is it. This is for fucking sure it!

I had been fighting so hard all along not to lose, not to give up, and not to surrender to your persistent pleas to leave you alone, that I had forgotten and completely lost track of what all this incessant obsession of emotion, time, and investment would leave me with-- with accordance to you at least. I had and I still have nothing. I did not reap what I sowed. And to this day, I still do not know why I was the way i was for so long.

I am not in love with you. I have not been in love with you. And I will never been in love with you. No, not now, and no not ever. I have wasted enough of myself on you. And I am not saying this in a vengeful, or demeaning connotation. Simply, you and I both know that I tried. And you tried. And it is what it is. It was what it was.

I do not hate you nor love you. Simply, I am done with you. I thank you for teaching me to be strong and toughening me up-- preparing me for anything anyone could possibly emotionally throw in my way. I thank you for teaching me to love selflessly with undying devotion, in such a way that none other could love for anyone else. I thank you for helping me realize just who I am-- and that is a girl that does not deserve to settle for less, a girl who does not fall for mind games anymore, and a girl who is not afraid to be alone. I thank you for all the good memories, and all the bad memories, that I am now bottling up and shipping out to sea. I thank you for being a brief part of my adolescent life, and I thank you for finally helping me realize that "love is more than just a game for two"-- which you played and won, might I add.

So I conclude this blog entry, as class time is near approaching, to tell you thank you for all that you have been to be, and thank you for understanding that I no longer would like anything to do with you. I do not want a never ending cycle for the either of us to be trapped in because we are unable to let go of each other. But we must. And I am more set on this than the understanding that the sun rises each morning, and sets each night, as to this being exactly what I want.

Excuse the impersonal word vomit on my public, (yet private blog), but I know you are reading this. I also know you well enough to know that you understand where I am coming from. I would not like to hear what you have to say-- not because I don't care, but because I don't care to be involved with you any longer.

I've got an icebox where my heart used to be,
for you.
CMDZOU