replay

"sometime life plays out to be something i pray it does not become.. and it is inevitable that i will have my rough patches. slowly i realize that my weakness is not my weakness, rather a strength, because i am able to pinpoint what i am doing wrong and i plan on changing myself. i do not need to worry about affecting the people around me. what i do need to worry about is changing myself. often times i pity myself. i pity myself for ending up exactly like my selfish, hateful mother, but who can i blame? who can i blame for becoming isolated from my friends-- school, church, clubs, and any other ones i meet randomly along the way? no one but myself. it is days like this where i feel completely alone, and despite all that i have, i really don't have much at all. i don't have friends. i don't have love. i don't have family. and i don't have my faith. i have myself, and i have the hardly flickering belief that eventually life will play itself out, and i will end up happy. I don't know why i have such a hard time keeping people around me. am i that terrible of a person? i know i'm a bitch.. and i know that at times i'm hard to get along with, but terrible to the point where there isn't a single person i can completely entrust myself to. what a terrible feeling i have right now. it churns from the bottom of my stomach. again, i am left, hopeless, heartbroken, and of course, miserable. my happiness is in my own hands. sometimes shedding a few tears is good. i feel better letting out how i feel. i do not feel as smothered. one day, i promise myself, one day, i will be strong enough to be happy with just strictly myself, and i will live a life where no one will let me down.

especially not myself."

-CMD a few months ago
at a better time