the here and now

everything that i used to find valuable has turned out to be extremely unworthy or disposable. people, feelings, and time are things that can be discarded without any proof of purchase. you have one thing one day, and the next, have no evidence that it was ever there. just like that, it's gone. for now or for good, for better or for worse.

almost always, it's for good. always, always, it's for the better.

the results of such ephemerality used to scare the shit out of me. i knew that my physical entity was essentially meaningless. i could be abandoned by anyone at any time for any reason, without so much as a goodbye, let alone an explanation. with a few trials and infinite errors, i now know that if i live with intentions of proving something to someone, that "someone" will let me down. that someone will become a no one, and that no one will slip and become an idea-- just a temporary lapse of my judgement. it's not anyone's fault that things turn out this way. that's just how life works. the ultimate purpose of having people in your life is to teach you things you never knew about yourself. they reveal and expose you to who you are and who you're meant to be. but they will come and go, so let them.

i have recently found promise in the lack of physical permanence. it's liberating knowing that i have as much power as any other fucked up human being, to abandon, hurt, and forget people. fortunately, as misguided as i may be, i realize that this power is not something that is meant to be abused. people are not meant to be bad. we sort of morph into these shitty, selfish creatures because we're scared. we want to be happy but we don't know where to start. as for me, i  haven't untangled all the knots that i've strangled myself in, i'm still struggling with the idea of being alone, and i'm heavily intoxicated with reckless freedom.. but, i'm happy. i don't know how i've come to terms with my newly discovered love for life, however i have realized one thing. happiness can't be found or bought, happiness is within. i just need to be more conscious of myself.

after all, my life is the sum of my thoughts, decisions, and actions. let my thoughts be true, my decisions be well thought out, and my actions be carefully sculpted to my liking. fight on fellow conquerors, fight on!