retrospective

even though i know it's impossible to retrace my steps, undo the damage, and live vicariously through my past, it's conflicting how badly i want to find the old me in the new me. now being in my early 20's, what i want most is to be able to conform to my 14 year old state of mind again. when i was hopeful in people, in life, and most unfortunately, in love.

now is the older really the wiser? with time, i've been backhanded with realizations that life is not at all what i made it out to be. i learned my fair share of lessons the hard way.. and on a tangent, i hate that most of the times, i don't even learn from my mistakes. i do the same shit over and over, thinking this time would be the exception: that i could successfully play god and fix incurable problems. inescapably, my mistakes compiled into a sort of destructive and unstable lifestyle. the consequences to my actions became provocative and i was fooled into believing that i needed someone to complete me. i've always struggled with wants versus needs.

i've come to terms with accepting the fact that i've made quite a spectable of myself due to unrealistically high expectations of who i thought i wanted to be and what i thought i wanted in life. i've always doted on the idea of someone saving me by loving me. i thought redemption could be found in the heart of a beholder. slowly, my connections became a dusty collection of unfinished chapters because i couldn't/can't differentiate between love and lust. unlike many, i don't lust with my eyes, i lust with my heart. this is far worse, to have a hungry heart. i want to love, and essentially, i can do so and create a temporary happily ever after with anyone dumb enough to believe that i (don't) know what i'm doing. curses.

solutions:
1. fight the body and beat the soul.
2. figure out what's real and what's make believe.
3. don't fall in love, or lust, or whatever it is, ever again.